It's Okay To Need
by Megwill
Summary: She looked out the window of the plane as they began to roll down the tarmac. Drawing in a breath she let out a shaky one as she remembered back to a happier flight both she and Castle were on together. Kate distinctly remembered a letter from her TO advising her, " That putting the job ahead of her heart was a mistake." Now if onlys were entering her mind.
1. Untouchable

For those reading Secrets Revealed - life is very hectic and if I write one of those chapters I want to giv you guys a good one. I have not quit on you I promise. I just got inspired for a quick short fic seeing as how I'm kind of having Castle withdrawals lol

* * *

Untouchable 

Castle and Beckett were sitting on their swings. Beckett had called him, she needed to tell him. Needed to tell him about the job offer from the F.B.I she was most likely going to take in D.C. They needed to discuss so much. For one she needed to know where they were going in their relationship. She thought she wanted more and wondered if he knew that she did. Though, he never asked and when she did he didn't give her the answer she wanted. She needed an answer, but right now she needed to tell him about D.C.

Castle spoke first surprising and almost shocking her when he started to explain in a voice weighted with importance that he wanted more. He went on to say that they both deserved more out of their relationship. She slowly and agreed, wondering why he chose this moment to tell her this. The moment she was about to unload the news that she wanted to take a job in another state.

Castle then proceeded to get down on one knee, "Katherine Houghton Beckett. Will you marry me?" Terror and shock ran through Kate's body. Suddenly, she wanted to return to her old ways and leave, run, but instead she sat frozen her mind whirring with thoughts too fast to comprehend. She wanted more, right? She needed this, but it was just too much to comprehend right now.

She felt horrid as she looked down to her hands and then met his eyes, "Castle…I…I -"

Castle seemed prepared for this reaction as he lowered the ring from her view, "- You don't have to say anything. I understand Kate. I know you. It's okay, really." He pocketed the ring with a face strewn with disappointment and rejection as she looked on with a knotted stomach and trembling hands.

Castle stood, "What did you want to tell me?"

She swallowed her tears and tried her damndest to build her walls as to become untouchable, like she could do with everyone else. Though, she wasn't immune to him. She had opened the door and allowed him inside past her walls. Instead of pushing him away like everyone else in her life she had needed his touch. She looked down quickly remembering the night her walls had fallen down before him. Remembering face saving promises whispered like prayers and how he had washed away all the darkness. Remembered on this very swing she had realized, she needed him.

A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek, "I want to take the job offer in D.C. I think it will be good for me."

Castle inhaled and nodded as he looked away and then back into a tear stained face. He nodded, "So, you are serious about this then. Fine, alright." Castle's face was stern, as he held in the anger. She was running again, leaving like she always use too. "Well I hope you are happy there Kate." Castle turned and started to walk away.

She started to call out his name and then stopped as she watched him leave and sunk farther into what had become her swing as she succumb to more tears inhaling she closed her eyes and as she exhaled a shaky breath accompanied with an ironic sad smile. It had grown late and the park was silently still. She wiped at her face quickly and stood and started walking to catch a cab. Her strangled heart made it hard to think never mind breath. Though, she couldn't marry him. What if something went wrong? She could never break that promise to Castle. What if their love died out? So many what ifs?

Castle walked into the loft and Martha greeted him, "Hello dear, how was work today? Well I wouldn't really call it work it's not like you are a cop." She hadn't noticed he hadn't even paused to acknowledge her, but walked straight to his room.

The next morning Kate found herself at the airport waiting on her flight to D.C. She had done everything she needed to do to make it to the top. They wanted her and so she had called and they had even booked her flight for her. So, now here, she sat in the terminal waiting for her flight to be called.

Castle woke to a note on the kitchen counter from his mother, "Went shopping and met some old friends, be back tonight dear. Oh, Alexis came by yesterday to surprise you, but she had to leave. She left a can of whipped cream in the fridge for you. Love your dearest Mother"

Castle threw the note away and smiled sadly, of course Alexis had to leave yesterday. Everyone else did, what difference did it make?

Soon Beckett found herself putting her carry on in the compartment above her and sliding past the first two seats to her window seat. She looked out the window at the tarmac and waited for the rest of the passengers to be seated as well. Drawing in a deep breath she then let out a long shaky one. She looked up as a teenage girl who immediately stuck in headphones sat down next to her and not long after a large business man sat in the isle seat.

Beckett looked back out the window as the captain announced they were going to be taking off and to shut off your cell phones. Soon she began to roll down the runway and Beckett thought of another flight a happier flight that she and Castle had been on together. They were on their way home from California to New York while she read the letter that her training officer, Royce, had written to her. The letter ended with Royce saying, "It was clear she and Castle had something real and she was fighting it. But putting the job ahead of her heart was a mistake. That risking our hearts is why we're alive. The last thing she wanted was to look back on her life and wonder. If Only."

The words hit her hard making her stomach knot up even tighter. She pursed her lips as she fought the gloss that she wanted to let spill, but knew never would in such a public place. She was now untouchable. No one could reach her here. She was fine. She was on her way to becoming what she had always wanted to be.

Though, in the back of her mind a small, yet clear voice taunted and haunted her assaulting her with memories she knew would haunt her dreams as well. A voice she knew deep down would be with her, always.

I have more if you want it? lmk...bc we all want to know how it ends ;)


	2. Strings

Because this is way the heck too funny not to share with other Castle fans or people that have kids. On my way home from work I get an overly excited text from my niece telling me that they spelt her wrong in the year book! :D She then proceeds to say, "Guess what it says!?" (her last name is Cagle) I said, "Castle?" She is now even more excited and with all the enthusiasm of a teenager she replies, "YES! LMAO! :D" ...I was like oh geez what have I created. I get home and she comes down stairs, book in hand the last name circled in blue to show me and then posts it on FB.

* * *

As Kate flew somewhere between heaven and hell a pleasant voice softly recited lyrics to whatever song was playing on the teenager's ipod. Kate glanced over to see the girls eyes were shut as she lightly sang. She noted the not so pleasant noise coming from the business man whom had decided to take a nap and was now snoring quite loudly. She was thankful for the soft pleasant constant the teenager provided.

Kate laid her head back and closed her eyes as she let the teenager's soft voice fill her ears.

The teenager sang soothingly and Kate's face fell a bit as she suddenly caught herself listening closely to the unfamiliar, yet eerily familiar lyrics.

The long, brown haired, teenager sang, totally engulfed in the song, _"…Oh, I need, the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness, oh, I need this…" _Kate smiled sadly as she listened to the affirmation in the teenager's voice. The strength and emotion which laced each word and how much it made the song she sang what it was.

"…_I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel sweet, love of my life, oh, I need this…" _Kate watched as the teenager rolled her closed eyes and tired looking face away from her, yet kept on singing. She was pleased she could still hear the girl above the business man's snores.

"…_Do you remember the way that you touched me before all the trembling sweetness I loved and adored?"_ Kate glanced at the teenager a moment and inhaled, looking out the window she exhaled a shaky breath.

Kate enjoyed the sweet sound of the teenager's voice, but the song was becoming annoyingly too close to her own life at the moment.

"…_Well, is it dark enough? Can you see me? Do you want me? Can you reach me? Or I'm leaving…"_ Kate listened intently, as recent memories on a swing set assaulted her mind. The girl rolled her head sleepily back toward Kate as she murmed along with the the lyrics that were playing on her ipod.

_"…You better shut your mouth, hold your breath, kiss me now you'll catch your death, Oh, I mean it, Oh, I need this."_ The teenager opened her eyes and found Kate staring back into her own.

"Sorry, I didn't realize I was bothering anyone with my singing." Said the teenager.

Kate was drawn out of her momentary trance, "No, no. You were fine. You sing well. What is your name?"

"Baylee Wilshire. What's yours?" asked Baylee

"Katherine Beckett. Just Kate." Kate smiled.

"Nice to meet you Kate." Baylee smiled politely and then shifted in her seat to get a bit more comfortable.

"Likewise." Kate smiled although she didn't feel like socializing right now. Thankfully Baylee didn't either and promptly closed her eyes, humming along to the next song on her ipod as she drifted off. While Kate looked back out the window a million questions racing through her mind. Questions she didn't know the answers too. Questions she was frankly quite scared to know the answers too. Some made sense and some just made her stomach one big knot.

* * *

Kate checked into her motel room right after her flight had landed at ten. She looked around the room and inhaled a breath and then released it. She was already dressed for her meeting with headquarters in an hour. Always prepared, she had flown in business attire. Now she walked over to the bed and sat down exhaling as she lightly let her fingers run over the comforter. Sighing she laid back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, her arms out to her sides and then closed her eyes.

* * *

It was time she had made her way down quite a few corridors to meet with the Director of the F.B.I, Kyle Rumsey. She walked into the room and shook hands with the director, Special Agent Fairfax, and Special Agent Harris who had contacted her to begin with.

"Detective Beckett, It's good to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you. I see you have the best solve rate at your precinct. That's quite impressive detective." Director Rumsey let her hand go with a smile and as he sat so did everyone else.

"Thank you sir." Kate smiled slightly.

The director looked through Kate's file a second and looked up at her, "Not married, no kids, why didn't we contact you earlier?" Rumsey looked to Harris and then to Kate and smiled.

"What I'm saying detective, is this job can be a stressful one with all the traveling and it helps to have no strings. I believe you will make a wonderful addition to our family. Now if you will only sign these papers you can go with Agent's Harris and Fairfax and they will let you know when you will be issued your weapon and badge. Though, we may send you to Quantico in Richmond before we issue anything to you. Though, we will decide that after tomorrow.

Rumsey pushed the papers in front of Kate and she stared at the line she was supposed to be filling in with her signature for a moment. The men in the room looked at each other in question as they watched Beckett hesitate. Kate remembered Rumsey's words, _No strings. _She quickly dismissed her thoughts of Castle and signed the first page, then second, and third until they were all finished. She inhaled and gave the papers back to her new director.

"Thank you, we will get your weapon and badge issued to you in a few days. After tomorrow you will know if you are headed to Quantico or not. If you could follow Fairfax he will escort you out." She watched as Rumsey took her file and placed it on top of a stack of others.

Beckett noticed the director changed things often. First both agents were to escort her out now only the one. Once out of the office the door shut behind them Fairfax spoke, "So, what made you hesitate?"

Kate turned to look at the man as they walked down the corridor, "I didn't hesitate."

"I know that look detective. You can't hide that look." The older agent smiled gruffly.

"I don't have a look." Beckett denied.

Fairfax smiled, "Rumsey was right when he said in this job you travel a lot. It gets lonely. Yeah, it's a bit better pay and we can afford more advanced technology, but there is one thing this job doesn't guarantee; happiness. You have to do that yourself and when it comes down to it it's just a job. A marionette comes to life when it's strings are attached, but cut them and the puppet becomes lifeless."

Fairfax and Beckett began walking again when Beckett hesitated before speaking softly with hitched curiosity, "How, did you know?"

Fairfax stopped, "The look?"

Beckett nodded and Fairfax drew in a breath then let out a long shaky one, "I was thirty six when they asked me to join. She gave me an option, stay with her at our precinct or leave. I left to find bigger and better things. Not realizing I already had the best thing out there and I left her behind. It was the worst decision I ever made. I knew I hurt her, but what I didn't realize was how bad I had hurt myself."

Kate nodded in understanding and the two continued to walk to the elevator finally getting there Kate waited for everyone to exit and Fairfax bid her a farewell, "Goodluck."

"Thanks." Though, Beckett didn't know if he meant with her decision or her new job.

* * *

It was 1:15 and Kate was hungry. She soon found herself sitting inside alone at a table for two at The Hard Rock Café. It was fun to just sit and people watch when she had so much on her mind. She ordered a huge cheeseburger and now sat alone at the table in the corner, running her finger over the wood table at some names carved into the wood. Castle liked things like that, little glimpses into someone else's life history. She smiled trying to remember the last time she had sat down and ate alone. Then quickly dismissed the thought, she was going to have to get use to not grabbing lunch with Castle or having him bring her something at the precinct. She would make new friends, create a new work family, and she would be fine, right?

* * *

After aimlessly wandering around D.C for a bit and stopping at some of the museums and memorials. She had returned to the motel at 7:30. It was now 8:15 and Beckett had unpacked and showered. She flopped onto the uncomfortable hard bed with a thud. It wasn't her bed. She realized as she pulled the comforter down and curled up on the right side of the small bed, her side of the bed, that when she thought of _her_ bed _Castle's_ bed is the one that came to mind. She closed her eyes to try and drown out memories, it didn't work. It was like he was a part of her. She rolled over after setting her watch down on the nightstand only to open her eyes to a half empty bed made up on one side.

She closed her eyes as more memories assaulted her mind crashing over her limbic system like rapid fire. Memories hit her hard, breathing a sense of nostalgic clarity unto her that she pushed deep, deep down. Because she knew if she let the clarity take her over completely she would never have a chance at becoming an agent. She didn't want nor need this right now, couldn't have him interfering in her life right now, haunting her with memories of them. She had a job she was supposed to be concentrating on. _At least_ that is what she told herself. So, she got up and put on jogging pants and shirt and went for a quick run to clear her mind.

* * *

Castle checked his phone and set it down. He didn't want to get his hopes up, but maybe she at least texted him. He set the cell down and drew in a breath and let out a long shaky one in his office. He didn't see or hear Martha sashay up to the den which he wrote in, "How is the writing going kiddo?"

Castle sighed as he looked at the cover poster of Nikki Heat, "Honestly mother, I think this is where the story ends."

* * *

Ugh Oh? What now? ...


	3. A Shot To The Heart

A Shot To The Heart

As Beckett ran she realized just how much Castle was a part of her. He would be with her no matter what or where she was and that scared her. Though, she also realized that right now her marionette's strings were all knotted up. And, even though it would be easier, she didn't want to just cut them and buy new ones. It would be hard, but she wanted to try and untangle the old ones. Beckett stopped running a moment and pulled her phone out of its case and scrolled through it, staring at Castle's name when she came to it. She looked up into the night and shut her eyes whispering, "I'm sorry."

She exhaled a shaky breath and picked up a jog again as she started toward the mall area. It was cool out when she made it to the reflecting pool. She looked out over the choppy pool, there weren't as many people out here as there were during the day. She watched as a man, bundled up in layers and a heavy coat skimmed leaves out of the pool. It was tranquil if only for a moment. She felt like the pool, choppy, windblown and unsettled as leaves continually fell onto her to fast to be uncovered in the darkness.

She looked at her watch it was 9:20, late to be out and about in D.C alone at night. Though, she didn't mind the being alone, did she? She looked up and jogged toward the metro and ran down the steps that lead her to the underground subway station. She looked at the metro's schedule and quickly waited for the one that lead her to where she wanted to go. As the train came to a halt in front of her and the doors opened she found her way on and stood grabbing hold of one of the poles.

* * *

Castle sat in his office staring at the screen as the curser blinked back at him, taunting him, a reminding him just how blank he felt inside. No words coated the page filled with emotion like usual, only a blank page. Then it came to him, the next paragraph. _Nikki would never know it, but after she told him that she was going to take the job offer in D.C on their swings. She had thought he left her alone on the swings and went home, when really he had walked into the bookstore across the street and watched her sit alone as tears streamed down her face until she left. He knew she hurt, he hurt too. So why was she leaving? Why do this not only to them, but to herself? _

Castle let the curser pause a moment and looked at the small love seat near his bookshelf. Kate's light pink sweatshirt was thrown over it. She liked to come in here and read sometimes. She had left a lot of stuff at his place, before she left. She had to know it was there. His loft was different now without her, although it seemed her presence haunted the place. He walked over to the love seat although he knew he shouldn't and stared at the sweatshirt. Did he dare pick it up? He closed his eyes and swallowed as he reached for the sweatshirt. It smelled like her, like Kate.

He should have known she would bring him heartache; he should have listened to Alexis years ago. He knew Kate ran scared when something emotionally shocking rocked her solid walls. So, why did he still care? Why did he still wish to find out she had come back to NY? She broke his heart, but love is not rational and deep down he knew he could never let her go.

Though, this time he knew if she came back then he shouldn't let her in. For once, he needed to look after his own heart. He would go to the Hamptons. Yes, he needed to get as far away from her presence as possible and the loft held too many heavy emotional memories. It was draining just trying to sleep in what was once their bed each night. He couldn't wake up without her on his mind. The Hamptons, he nodded to himself. He would leave tomorrow morning. Who said he couldn't leave too?

* * *

Beckett looked out at the Arlington cemetery; it was a beautiful tragedy. Each headstone was lite up with a soft glow, a reminder that there was light in the darkness and where there is light no evil shall walk. Kate inhaled as she watched her life unfold before her eyes. Suddenly she was down on the ground Castle kneeling over her. This was not supposed to happen, it was Montgomery's funeral. Though, it was happening. She could hear Castle begging her to stay with him and then she heard those three scary words, "I love you. I love you Kate." It was strained admission. He looked as if he had gloss in his eyes and she shut hers as to try and not think about everything that had just happened.

Kate suddenly snapped out of her memory and realized she had tears streaming down her face. She wiped at them and walked over to a large tree leaning her back against it she looked up to the full moon and finally let herself acknowledge the fact of the matter and break. Silent tears soon became racking sobs as she slid down the tree and sat on the ground. What had she done? God what had she done? She was such a heartless fool. Royce had flat out told her not to put the job in front of her heart. So, what did she do? Put the job first. Why?

She cried harder as she realized as hard as she tried not to think of Castle the more he haunted her life. He would never let her be and she realized. She didn't want to be let be, she didn't want to be alone. The old Beckett would have relished in being untouchable to anyone and breaking down was never an option, but this new person of four years later; Kate. Kate, as Castle called her now, needed touch; she needed sweetness, a lullaby at night, and a kiss goodnight. She realized Fairfax was right and she not only _wanted_, but needed strings.

She stood with new found meaning and while she walked with purpose back to the metro she inhaled exhaled as the took her cell out of its case and quickly called Castle.


	4. Hit Or Miss

Ok I have to share another one of my nieces 'funnies'. She saw the episode where Castle left with Gina to the Hamptons for the first time today and she said, "WHAT?! OH NO SHE DIDN'T! I would be like, 'excuse me, but I was talking. You need to GOOOO! NOW!' THIS IS MY PRECINCT BITCH." Now this teenager rarely curses so I quite was amused at her Castle frustration.

Hit Or Miss

Beckett waited as she listened to the phone ring, once…twice…

* * *

Castle exited out of his writing and quickly hoped on line to book his flight. He smiled when he found one on such short notice leaving at 9:30 tomorrow morning. He gave a sad smile as he clicked on the ticket and entered his card number to finalize the deal.

* * *

Beckett waited as the phone rang two more times and went to his voice-mail. She trembled when she heard his voice and hesitated before she quickly left a message, "Castle it's me. I…we need to talk. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Rick." Kate's heart was racing when she ended the call and released a shaky breath she didn't realize she had been holding back. She didn't know that just hearing his voice would cause her to react with such emotion.

* * *

Martha walked in when she heard the printer come to life in her son's office. "What are you printing out dear? Something finally come to you? Speaking of something or shall I say someone, where is Katherine? Is she working late tonight?"

Castle forgot that no one knew that he had proposed to her, no one knew she had left to D.C. Castle ignored the question. "I booked a flight to the Hamptons. I think I will feel more inspired up there."

"What about Beckett? And why on earth are you flying to the Hamptons? It's maybe a couple of hours away." asked his ever curious mother.

Castle paused a moment inhaling and then continuing, "She is too busy."

"What is she too busy with?" the curiosity of a mother, especially his mother, would never relent.

"Her job, mother." Although he felt like saying, she is too busy for me. Too busy running away as fast as she can that she doesn't realize she has no idea where she is going.

"Is she working on a big case?" his mother continued to pry.

"Something like that." Castle's voice was strained with an overload of emotion and Martha didn't miss the heavy, tired, anger mixed with grief that spilled over into her son's voice.

Martha moved out of the doorway and into the den, but before she sat on the love seat she glanced momentarily at Kate's pink sweatshirt, "Richard, did you two get into a fight?"

"I…I…" Honestly he didn't know what happened. Only that he hurt. And she had left, runaway, again.

"Oh, Richard, you love that woman. Why are you going to leave Beckett here while you go to the Hamptons? You know that women loves you darling." Though, Martha didn't know the half of what he was going through.

"She went to D.C mother." Castle stood as he grabbed his ticket and itinerary from the printer.

"Why ever did she go to D.C? When will she be back?" Martha looked at her son curiosity now turned to concern.

"I don't know it's for her job." Castle explained and walked out of the den. His mother's interrogating had become too much. Martha sat as she watched her son disappear to his bedroom.

She sighed, whispering into the darkness, "Oh, darling. No one ever said love was going to be easy." She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly shaking her head. As she stood and walked out of the den with a sigh, her son's phone lit up with a voice-mail from Beckett.

After Castle got out of the shower, a shower that he thought would make him feel better. Only made things worse, Kate's presence littered his shower. Her scented shower gel, loofah, along with her shampoo, and other personal items that made his apartment…more Kate than ever before.

He got into bed and sighed as he looked at his charger next to his bed. He had left his phone in his office, and didn't feel like retrieving it. Though, it needed to be charged. So, with a grunt he pulled himself out of bed and padded sleepily into his office. Where did he leave the damn thing? He searched for it a bit and spied it out of the corner of his eye laying on one of the bookshelves. When he picked it up his fingers accidentally brushed the screen lighting it up and showing the voice-mail from Beckett.

He closed his eyes wondering if he could handle listening to her voice. No. Though, he couldn't bring himself to delete the message either. He grabbed his cell and took it to his bedroom plugging it into the charger it lit up again showing her name, _'Beckett missed call and voice-mail'. _He rolled over hoping she wouldn't invade his dreams too much, but knowing she would.

Forty five minutes of lying awake in debate he quickly reached over and grabbed his cell, holding the phone up to his ear he listened to her voice-mail. After he was finished he shook his head and deleted it. _Sorry?! She was sorry?!_ How many sorry's was he going to have to hear from her? Sorry, didn't fix everything as much as he wished it could. Sometimes sorry isn't enough.

A glass can only hold so much liquid until it spills, and some spills leave a stain. Kate had left a wound so deep that it could not scab over and heal properly. Instead it kept bleeding out, draining him as he bled out. Staining the floor with the wounds she created.

* * *

Kate swiped her hotel key in the door and let herself into her room. Maybe he didn't have his phone on him? What if he was ignoring her on purpose? God knows she had ignored him on more than one occasion in the past. She made her way into the shower as thoughts swarmed her mind putting it on overload. Fear slowly crept into her mind as she washed her hair, 'What if she had hurt him so bad that she had caused more damage than they could fix? What if he didn't want her to help him heal the wound that she created? Oh God? What if the marionette was beyond the point of becoming untangled and could only be severed?

She had hurt him, she knew this when she never answered his proposal on the swings. Though, she had come to fully acknowledged this when she started out on her run this evening. Though, the extent of the hurt she may have caused him didn't hit her full force until she made it to the cemetery. The realization that she needed him so badly scared her to the point of rejecting his proposal.

Though, slowly, but surely, clarity ebbed its way into her bewildered heart, and she realized, it was okay to need someone. And even though she may not understand love, she now recognized that it was not meant to be understood. She could still appreciate it by loving and letting herself be loved in return. And their was nothing wrong with that.

As she lay in bed she recognized Castle was most likely ignoring her calls on purpose. Though, she knew it wasn't because he hated her, but because she had hurt him – badly. She rolled over and looked at the empty side of her half made bed and whispered, "I'm sorry Castle. I'm so sorry."

* * *

As Kate sat in front of the director of the F.B.I her heart raced, but she didn't know why. Rumsey sat across from her, but Fairfax and Harris were nowhere to be seen. It was just Beckett and Rumsey.

"Detective Beckett I've decided that I would like you to be a part of the team. You will leave for Quantico in the morning." The director smiled and extended his hand to Beckett, but she couldn't take it.

"I'm sorry sir, I can't take the job." Beckett replied with a heavy heart and poignant tone that bled through into her voice.

A tone the director couldn't miss, "Why is that Detective?"

"Sometimes it's the strings that hold us together sir." Beckett kept eye contact with the director.

The director leaned back and folded his arms in front of his chest, drew in a breath and released it slowly, "You would make an excellent agent detective."

Beckett only nodded, "Thank you sir."

Understanding that she was serious, the director stood extending his hand to Beckett once more, and this time she took it, "Good luck detective."

"Thank you sir," The director released Beckett's hand and she nodded in thanks as she walked toward the door.

"Detective?" called Rumsey.

She turned to look at him, her hand still on the doorknob, "Sir?"

"That took courage. I'm impressed." Rumsey admitted.

Kate nodded, "Sir."

"Detective." Rumsey said in his last farewell.

Kate closed the door to his office, but before she took another step she leaned back against the door with closed eyes and drew in a deep breath. She opened her eyes and started down the corridor toward the elevator, and for the first time in a while she felt like she was finally running in the right direction. It was time to go home. She would hopefully be able to find a flight tonight and head home tomorrow morning.

* * *

The day had come and gone and morning was now here. Castle looked around the terminal as they called his flight and he stood in line with everyone else that was flying first class. His mother was right. It was ridiculous to fly such a short way, but frivolosity seemed fitting at the moment. He sat down in his seat and looked out the window. He wondered if Beckett had, had a window seat and if so, did she think of him as she raced down the runway away from him?

* * *

No one at Beckett's gate would ever realize just how pleased Beckett was to be sitting in the airport, waiting on a flight to NY. She had been able to buy a ticket home last night, and while it was pricier than she wished it was. She knew she had to go home. She_ needed_ to go home. She watched out the window and drew in a breath as she ascended. She shifted in her seat with nervous anticipation of seeing Castle. She could only hope that she would be able to untangle the marionette strings before it was too late.

* * *

Castle exhaled as he heard the captain come on over the intercom announcing they were going to take off soon. He looked out the window once more as the plane started to move off the tarmac and toward the runway. Soon he found himself listening as the wheels folded up into the plane and it lifted off the runway into the air.


	5. Thunder Rolls and Lightning Strikes

I know I know I've been gone...thank the last guest reviewer of chapter 4 as well as DX2012 and thePutz913 for some extra motivation. I hope it's okay. Here you go...

* * *

Castle put his bags in his room and didn't even bother to unpack anything. He meandered into the kitchen but found he needed to go shopping. The bag of chips in the pantry would do for now. The last time he had been here was the weekend, and the first time he brought Kate to his Hamptons retreat. He smiled slightly at the memory. Of course their original romantic weekend had turned into him and her helping solve a murder which had taken place in his back yard as well as the sheriff in town calling Kate a prostitute, but despite the drastic change of plans they still managed to have a wonderful time.

Castle sighed as he shoved another chip into his mouth. What had happened to them? Why did she always revert to running and pulling away when it came to emotional decisions? He knew why. Because that's who she was and that would never change. Maybe his mother was right, maybe he was scared to move forward with Kate and the only reason he asked her to marry him was to make sure she stayed in NY. He shuddered at the thought. Though, a small voice in the back of his mind continued to taunt him. Could it be? Is that the only reason he asked her to marry him? He tried to dismiss the thought, but couldn't so he went outside hoping that the crisp air would take his mind off of things.

* * *

Kate was asleep on the plane when the woman next to her woke her in a panic, "OMG! OMG!" Another person yelled and Kate looked behind her just as the oxygen masks deployed. She saw the attendants running around and some working their way to the front to probably take their own seat. Then another scream accompanied by, "I don't want to die!" The captain came on and it was confirmed. The inevitable had happened and the plane was on its way down.

* * *

"This is Jim Beckett." Kate's father answered the unknown number with a frustrated sigh. He swore if one more telemarketer called him he would go insane. Though, it wasn't a telemarketer.

"Mr. Beckett I'm sorry to inform you that your daughter Katherine Beckett has been in a plane crash. She-

"What hospital is she in?" Jim's voice was grave. He was hell bound on getting to his daughter's side as fast as possible.

"The injured were taken to St. Michaels in Newark. The captain was able to nurse the plane into Newark Liberty airport for an emergency landing, but…" It was then the woman realized that Jim Beckett had hung up as soon as he found out which hospital she was at. The detail of the planes landing was irrelevant to him. He just wanted to be at his daughter's side.

Jim closed his eyes and inhaled. This was going to be the longest forty minute drive of his life.

* * *

When Jim entered the ER it was scary. Mainly, because even though the ER is for emergencies it usually wasn't too busy. Though, staff was running everywhere yelling to other staff members for help with this or that. That was when Jim realized how bad the crash must have been. A captain can sometimes land a plan roughly and unexpectedly with only some passengers receiving injuries. Though, this time it didn't seem to be the case, not only had Jim seen many stretchers go in and out of the ER , but none of them were slight injuries.

He walked up to the frazzled 20 something receptionist and asked for Katherine Beckett's room.

"The only Katherine Beckett we have is in surgery right now. Who are you?" the girl asked in a heavy Jersey accent.

"I'm her father. What ward is she on?" Jim's voice was stern, demanding an answer.

"Wait in ICU on the fourth floor. The receptionist up there can tell you more."

Jim headed to the elevators as soon as he heard the word fourth floor. When he arrived at the nurse's station on the ICU he found Katie couldn't speak because of the ventilator she was on, had multiple bruises, cuts, and her abdominal cavity wall had been punctured. Though, she had recovered from surgery well and would be able to see him shortly.

Jim drew in a deep breath and let it out. In a couple of moments he would be able to see here just a few moments more.

"Jim Beckett?" A nurse accompanied by what Jim assumed was Katie's surgeon scanned the room for him.

He stood and walked toward them, "I'm Jim Beckett," he offered his hand to the doctor who shook it sternly.

"Doctor Thomas Reynolds and this is nurse Patricia Williams."

"How is she?" Jim skipped pleasantries.

"I have good news and bad news." Jim inhaled at Reynolds words.

"I will take the good news first."

"She is tough. She pulled through faster than expected. Now she will be able to hear you when we see her, but she is not able and frankly too drugged to talk. We have a dry erase board she can write on if you wish to use it. She has used it already for short yes or no answers or questions." Reynolds evaluated Jim's expression. He seemed fine.

"What's the bad news?"

"While Katherine made it through surgery her body terminated the pregnancy. I'm sorry, but due to the stress she miscarried." Reynolds said apologetically.

Jim was silent.

"Again I'm sorry Mr. Beckett." Said Reynolds.

Jim snapped out of it, "Yes, um, thank you. Did anyone tell Katie?"

"No we wanted to wait until she was off the ventilator or unless she asked about it." Reynolds said and Jim only nodded. Did she even know she was pregnant?

"How far along was she?" Jim suddenly asked.

"About eight weeks." Said Reynolds and Jim nodded almost as blown away at the news of his daughter's late pregnancy than of her plane crash. The thing was he didn't know how to tell her, because quite frankly he didn't think she knew either. Would it be best never to say anything? He remembered the talk she had with him before she left about her relationship with Castle and D.C. She wouldn't have started a new job if she knew she was pregnant so maybe it was best not to tell her.

Upon entering the room the first thing Jim noticed were the many machines monitoring his daughter. The next was the loud constant beeping they caused and then he walked up to the bed. She had her two black and blue eyes closed and a large bandage on the left side of her head which most likely covered staples. Her left upper arm was also bandaged and she had cuts and bruises all over her body.

Jim grabbed his daughter's hand and squeezed, "Katie, it's dad. I'm here can you hear me."

There was a long moment of silence and deep breaths where nothing happened and then he saw her right finger point toward the dry erase board. He smiled and walked over to it. Holding the he placed the pen in her hand and directed her as to where it was. Her "love u" was barely legible, but it was enough to make Jim set the board down and take her good hand in his squeezing it tightly.

"I love you too Katie. How are you?"

She raised her middle finger at him as if to say, _'seriously?'_

"I'm glad you are okay."

She asked for the board again and Jim helped her with it.

'castle?' When Jim looked at her one word with a squiggly question mark next to it he knew he was going to have to make the call.

"Would you like me to call him?" Jim asked confirming what he already knew.

She held her thumb up meaning yes.

"Okay, I will." Jim promised. When he walked out of Katie's sterile room he found without the loud machines he could think with more clarity. He decided he would not tell Rick or Katie of the miscarriage and would ask the doctors to please let family members inform her of the loss as it would be easier on her that way. Then he made the call.

* * *

Castle was taking a walk on the beach when he felt his cell vibrate in his pants pocket. He took it out and stared at the screen puzzled for a moment. Why would Jim Beckett be calling him?

"Castle." His voice held false happiness.

"Rick its Jim. Katie's been hurt." He paused for a moment to let this sink in.

Suddenly an unpleasant tingling sensation ran through Rick's body and settled in his stomach. He lost the false tone of happiness in his voice disappear. It was now grave, "What happened?"

"She was in a plane crash and she is in ICU at St. Michaels in Newark. She had surgery and she is on a ventilator. Her abdominal wall was punctured." Jim waited for Rick to speak.

There was silence, "She asked for you," he added.

Castle shut his eyes and took the phone away from his ear as he looked at the angry ocean. The ocean mirrored how he felt. The dark clouds rolled in as the surf pounded against the beach.

His insides trembled and not from the cool ocean breeze that was blowing fiercely, "I'm on my way. I'm in the Hamptons so it might be a few hours."

Lightning cracked loudly followed by the loud rumbling of thunder. The storm had approached so suddenly. Now with seemingly no warning, it was here.

"Rick?"

"Yes?"

Jim drew in a deep breath unable to tell him what he wanted too.

"Drive safe Rick. See you soon." Jim said solemnly and hung up.

There was not a soul on the road as Castle drove out of the Hamptons toward Beckett. The consistent rolling of the thunder and bright lighting flashes became his only company as he drove farther away, yet closer to home at the same time.

...

So, what did you think? Jim Beckett...your daughter is just like you. Not telling anyone will only create more problems.


	6. A Love In Pain

A Love In Pain

When Castle walked into the waiting room of the ICU he immediately scanned the room for Jim, but didn't see him. So, he started to walk over to the nurse's station when he stopped abruptly at a familiar voice, "Rick?" asked Jim.

Castle turned to face Kate's father and watched as he studied his expression. He was tired, somber, worried, and angry. He was never angry, but it seemed the universe was against him lately and he usually didn't blame the universe or God or anyone else for his own problems. Though, right now it seemed easier if he could let a little steam off on the damned universe. He knew not to ask why, but lately it was becoming harder and harder not to do. And it all showed on his face no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

"She is asleep right now." Rick let Castle know, "She is strong and some rest will do her good. It's Katie."

Castle only nodded.

"Rick let's go get you some coffee you look like you could use it." Jim offered and Castle needed no cajoling.

"Lead the way. Sounds great."

Jim and Castle walked the corridor to the coffee pot down the hall and Jim watched as Castle made some coffee, "Katie told me she was probably going to take the job in D.C. Do you know if she did?"

Castle almost sputtered his coffee out, but hid his shock. Jim never pried. What was this about?

"The last I spoke to her she was going to interview for it. I'm not sure if she got it but its Kate. Why wouldn't she get the job? They asked for her specifically." Castle didn't realize his voice had raised a few octaves.

"You care about her. I get that. What I don't understand is if she got the job, why was she on a plane back to New York?" Jim reminded Castle of this fact.

Castle almost stopped mid stride…why was she on a plane back to New York? "I don't know. I haven't spoken with her much. Not since she left New York." Castle admitted.

Jim only nodded. He knew why they weren't speaking. He had spoken with Katie, before she went to speak to Rick that evening. She had reservations about them. The relationship was becoming serious, yet at the same time seemed stagnant. They weren't moving forward. She wondered if in the end all they were in love with was the dance. Jim was only an ear to vent to he had no clear answers for her, because he knew deep down she already knew the answer to all of her questions.

"Neither have I." was all Jim had to say. The two men went and sat side by side in the waiting room discussing Katie's status, but never revisiting why she had left New York.

* * *

When 3:00 came and Kate was still asleep as was her father next to him he decided to get up and visit her room on his own.

Upon stepping in the room he wasn't reminded of the time he visited her after she was shot, but of the ambulance ride to the hospital. She looked horrible. He was use to watching her sleep, but not like this. Her long eyelashes touched a scrap below one eye and the ventilator didn't help any. It was scary all the loud machines she was hooked up too. This was not what he wished on anyone.

Yes, he was angry at her, but as he had once said, 'the heart wants what the heart wants' and it is very, very hard to try and rationalize love. For love is irrational. It can make its way into the most rational of people's hearts and break the strongest. Love holds no prisoners; no one is immune to it. It even says in the bible, "There are in the end three things that last: faith, hope, and love and the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13: 13

He sometimes wondered if that was true. Yet wonder or not here he was next to her bedside. Without a moment's hesitation he had drove three hours to be with her. He pulled the visitors chair up next to her bedside and sat down taking her right hand in his he gently rubbed small circles on the back of her hand.

"Kate, it's me. I…" He looked away for a moment and when he looked back at her he felt gloss forming in his eyes. He inhaled closed his eyes and laid his head down next to her arm. He had so much to say, but God how things changed in the blink of an eye. Shortly after he fell asleep as well, his head next to her arm, fingers looped through hers.

* * *

Jim woke and asked the nurses if his daughter was awake. They told him no, but she had a visitor in with her at the moment. Jim grew curious even though he knew it was Rick. When he looked through the automatic glass doors to Katie's room he saw Rick sleeping peacefully at his daughter's bedside. He inhaled and walked away.

"Dr. Reynolds?" Jim asked as he ran into him.

"Mr. Beckett is everything okay?"

"Yes, but with Katie's miscarriage I was wondering if you would not have your staff tell her of the loss. It would be easier on her if a family member did." Jim hoped.

The doctor stood a little straighter, "I'm sorry Mr. Beckett, but by law one of our staff is going to have to tell her of her condition. We cannot withhold information from a patient. I'm not saying you will withhold the information. I'm just stating by law I cannot rely on someone else other than staff to inform a patient of their conditions. I'm sorry."

Jim nodded in compliance. He already knew what the answer would be, he just hoped this time maybe he could fly under the radar.

* * *

Kate woke up to find her arm was numb, the circulation gone. She opened her eyes slowly and looked down at her right arm. Her lips immediately turned upward into a smile as much as they were able. Although her arm was numb she dare not wake him. Instead she took comfort listening to his familiar steady breathing and inhaled what she had come to know as Castle.

A half hour had gone by and Kate wanted to touch him, looking at where Castle's hand was she guessed it had slipped out of her own while he was sleeping. She wanted it back. She wanted so much back. She touched his finger lightly with her own and closed her eyes as she maneuvered her fingers lightly onto his hand. His hand felt warm and familiar. She suddenly felt movement as Castle woke. His head still on her arm he opened his eyes to find her own looking back at him.

"Hi." Rick forgot she wasn't able to speak because of the ventilator.

Instead she moved her fingers back and forth over his hand in response. Castle felt her fingers lightly rub over his and sat up off of her arm glancing at their attached hands for a moment and then back to her eyes. Her eyes were tired, sad, remorseful, yet held a spark. He knew that spark he had seen it before, the lightning that flashed in her eyes in the midst of the raging storm. He knew she had so much to say, but couldn't. Instead the two stare at each other for who knows how long. Silence screaming as they tried to read each other's minds.

"Do you need anything?" Castle finally broke the silence.

Kate pointed to the dry erase board with the marker attached. "Oh, nifty. Here you go," He set the marker in her hand and held the board up, "Now who's the writer?" Castle joked.

Castle looked at her scribbled words, 'happy ur here'

Castle drew in a deep breath frowned and let it out, "Always."

He looked to her hand took the board out of it and put hers in his properly then squeezed it. When he glanced back up to her face he saw a tear running down her face. He closed his eyes for a second and opened them, "I wish…I wish so much right now."

At his words more tears ran down her face. Castle took his free hand and wiped them away then kissed her forehead. She wished she never would have left too. Though, there was no such thing as a time machine.

She enjoyed holding his hand but she wanted to talk more. She motioned to the board and Castle helped her to hold the marker as he held the board for her to write on. He turned the board around when she was finished, 'others?'

It took Castle a moment and then he understood, "You mean the other people on the plane?"

She held her thumb up gesturing he was correct.

"I'm unsure what happened to them. I was only informed of your status." Castle explained.

She started to write again and Castle waited patiently for her to finish. 'how bad?'

"How bad are you?" Castle asked and she raised her thumb up, "You should see the other guy." Castle joked and Beckett's eyes started to close. She was awake, but never for long periods of a time.

Castle watched as she wrote again, 'dad?'

"He is asleep in the waiting room the last I saw him." Castle informed her.

Then silence ebbed its way back into the room as Kate let the board fall lightly from her hand. Castle looked at the last words she had written, 'tired'

"Sleep, Kate. I will be here when you wake up." Castle reassured her through all of his suppressed anger. Angry or not he would not leave her even if she may have left him. Then again, hadn't it always been that way. Castle drew in a deep breath and let it out as he let go of her hand and kissed her forehead, "Night."

Though she had already fallen into a dream world where she and he were not broken and everything was okay. Castle only wished of the dreamworld was real. Until then he would love her through the pain. His heart wouldn't allow him not too.

Castle walked over and picked up her chart to review everything that was wrong with her. Multiple lacerations, bruises, staples to the left front of forehead, miscarriage, abdominal cavity wall puncture, trauma to-

He stopped suddenly and went back over the chart. Miscarriage? He looked up at a sleeping Kate, chart in hand as a million more questions with no answers raced through his mind. How did they always end up so close yet so far apart? It seemed whenever they were on a high in the back of his mind he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. His heart needed a break.

What if… what if she knew? Did Jim know? No, she wouldn't have left if she knew. She couldn't have started that job followed by an immediate maternity leave. She couldn't have known, but what if she wanted an abortion? His writers mind was spinning out of control weaving a story full of loss, secrets and heartbreak. His story. He shoved the chart back in the box on the wall and walked out to the waiting room.


	7. Confessions

Ch.7

Castle quickly walked into the waiting room and scanned it for Jim, but he was nowhere to be found. Jim had to know of the miscarriage and he could understand why Jim hadn't brought it up right away or may be uncomfortable speaking of it. Though, Castle had a right to know, and while Jim was Kate's father he was also a man, one that should understand where he was coming from. He was tired of being kept in the dark.

He unknowingly spotted Kate's main nurse Patricia Williams and quickly walked over to her lightly grabbing her arm, "Nurse?"

"Williams. Patricia Williams." She replied looking down to his hand still attached to his arm. Castle quickly removed it and looked at her pleadingly.

"Sir, are you looking for someone? A certain patient?" asked Patricia.

"No…yes…not a patient. I know what room my girlfriend is in." Castle managed to get out.

"What is your girlfriend's name?" Patricia's voice was low and kind.

"Katherine. Katherine Houghton Beckett." Castle chocked out Beckett's full name. The last time he spoke her full name aloud was when he proposed, "Though I'm looking for her father, Jim Beckett. Have you seen him around?"

"Actually, yes he was speaking to Dr. Reynolds earlier. He probably went to get some coffee. I'm sorry I never even asked your name." Patricia said.

"Richard Castle." Castle's mind was elsewhere.

"Like the author?" Patricia smiled.

"Yeah, just like him." Castle didn't want word of his presence getting out to anyone while he dealt with his personal life. He considered Kate family and you did not mess with him when he was dealing with family matters. He walked off to the break room where the coffee was and found Jim stirring his sugar and creamer together. He was the only one in the room.

Jim looked up from his coffee, "Hey Rick. How is Katie?" asked Jim as he brought the plastic cup to his mouth.

Castle stood strait in the doorway. It was just the two of them in the break room. His face was stern, accusing and Jim stood a little straighter knowing Rick was getting ready to unload something on him.

Castle crossed his arms and shifted his weight to his left leg, "You knew."

Jim had an idea of what Rick was talking about, and while he wondered how he even knew. That wonder wasn't relevant right now. The fact was he had a feeling that Rick knew of the secret he was trying to keep and if he did, this conversation was going to head south quite quickly.

"You knew of Kate's miscarriage. You are her medical proxy. Therefore, her doctor would have informed you of her condition and it didn't even occur to you to inform me. Or worse yet, it did occur to you and you chose not to."

Jim said nothing and stared at Rick as Rick cut Jim down to size in his mind. The hurt from Kate's rejection, accident, and Jim's secret was still too recent to digest. If he said what was on his mind right now, it wouldn't be pretty. Luckily he wasn't an arrogant kid anymore (as Kate would say) and knew how to keep himself composed in the worst of the worst of situations now. Castle was never one to lose his temper, but when it came to his family he would do anything for them.

Jim drew in a deep breath and exhaled, "I wasn't planning on telling you. Not unless Katie asked."

"How do you know if she even knew she was pregnant? How far along was she?" Castle's voice was strained and his tone held nervous apprehension as he waited for Jim to respond.

"Eight weeks. I'm unsure if she knew. Her doctors want to wait to inform her when she is off the ventilator or unless she specifically asks about it." Jim took a sip of his coffee and Castle began to settle down a bit. He was still angry at Jim, but honestly he didn't have any more energy to be angry right now.

Castle nodded, "I wonder why she was on a plane back to New York? Do you think she found out? She couldn't have started the position she wanted with an immediate maternity leave."

Jim shook his head done with the conversation, "I don't know Rick, I'm just glad she is okay," Jim said as he slipped past Castle out of the break room and back to the nurse's station to ask if his daughter was awake. They apologized and told him to check back in a few hours.

Castle leaned against the wall of the break room, looked up, and closed his eyes. He hadn't told anyone he was in Newark. Then again, why should he? They all had his cell number and everyone thought he was in the Hamptons for some alone time to concentrate on his writing anyway. He understood that Jim's loyalties would always remain with his daughter; after all he had a daughter himself. So, he understood why Jim didn't want to tell him unless he knew for a fact that Katie wanted him too. What he didn't understand was why and what caused Kate to catch a plane back to New York.

He sighed and walked out to the waiting room. It was now 9:26 at night and the hospital had a lingering almost eerie feel to it. It seemed quieter, yet busier all at once. More people were sleeping in the waiting room. He noticed the friends and family members in wait. They looked so drained and tired and he suddenly wondered if he looked like that. Shaking the thought Castle walked toward Kate's room. She was sleeping and he pulled, what he had come to think of as his chair, up next to the side of her bed as he took her hand in his.

"Kate it's me. I have a lot I want to say, and I know you can't hear me. Which is why I'm going to tell you," Castle looked at her black and blue eyes, the cuts, bandages, bruises and brushed a piece of her hair out of her face. "Kate, I know you didn't have an answer for me when I proposed to you and that hurt, but like I told you, I expected it. It's who you are Kate you keep secrets and build walls. I just…" He squeezed her hand and ran his thumb over it in small circles.

"I just hope you realize you are not a cold person. You are one of the most caring people I know Katherine Beckett. Those walls that you build to protect yourself makes you even that much more protective of those you love. Once you let that drawbridge in for someone else to enter your iron clad walls…you are so passionate and protective of them. If you aren't ready I understand Kate, what I don't understand is why you ran to DC." Castle sighed and looked at her face again running his fingers along her cheek.

"You told me once that the reason you and Will Soreson didn't work out was because he left to Boston for a better job. What do you call what you're doing Kate? This job may have more to offer and may make more money, but what about the boys? You will make more money at this job, but will you be happy? You are putting the job before your heart and I don't even know if you realize it. That scares me." Castle sighed and looked around the room.

"That's not all; there is one more thing I don't understand. Why were you on a plane back to New York?" Castle leaned back in his chair and let her hand fall from his. He rubbed his face with his hands and sighed. When he opened them, Kate was pointing to the dry erase board.

Oh My God she had been awake.

He quickly retrieved the dry erase board and helped her with it. Then he waited full of nervous anticipation of the words he was about to read.

...

I know I'm mean...but at least I was able to get a chap up! I have the beginning of the next one already written too! yay! Oh and omg to the spoilers for season 6! Goodness Marlowe! lmk what you think please by clicking the button below ;)


	8. The Strings That Bind Us

She had scribbled, 'call agent Fairfax he will answer all your questions his nmbr is in my cell'

Castle was confused, "You want me to call this guy and ask him why you were on a plane back to New York?"

She gave him a thumbs up.

"Should I mention your name?" Castle asked still confused.

She held her thumb up again.

"Anything pertinent I should say?" Castle asked still miffed as ever.

Kate motioned to the dry erase board and he handed it to her. When she handed it back the word 'strings' was written on it.

"Where is your cell? Did it even make it through the crash?" Castle wondered.

Kate hadn't thought of that. She motioned to the board, but she had opened her eyes not long ago and Castle knew that look, "You don't know do you?"

She said nothing, but he understood, "Well I will look him up. You were interviewing for Homeland Security, right?"

She wrote, 'yes'

"Okay, I will just google the guy." Castle scrolled through the web and to both of their amazement found Fairfax.

He pressed the number but he had no signal, "I will be back. Better service in the lobby." She tried to smile and quickly stopped. The tube going down her trachea was so uncomfortable.

Castle walked out into the lobby, "Hello is Agent Fairfax available?"

"This is he. Who is this and what is this pertaining to?" asked Fairfax.

"This is Richard Castle. My girlfriend, Katherine Beckett was in a plane crash and because of the ventilator she is on she is unable to speak. She can write on a dry erase board and she told me to call you, seeing as you were one of the last people she spoke with. She said you would know why she was on a plane back to New York. She said to mention something about strings?" Castle was a bit nervous and anxious of Fairfax's response.

Fairfax was saddened Kate was in a plane crash, but leaned back in his desk chair and smiled slightly, "Ah, yes, the strings that bind us."

* * *

Castle was even more confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Right before your girlfriend, Kate, signed up for the job she hesitated. She had a look in her eye. A look I recognized all too well because I've seen it in the mirror every day since I started the job." Fairfax stated with a sigh, "She wasn't sure of herself, didn't know if the choice she was making was the right one and the scared look showed on her face."

"That doesn't make sense why would Kate second guess herself?" Castle asked surprised. She had been so adamant about how perfect the job was for her and how badly she wanted it. He couldn't ever see her second guessing herself, "She was hell bent on getting that job."

"Mr. Castle I told Kate that this job has better pay and better technology, but there is one thing that the job does not guarantee; happiness." Fairfax said and Castle decided he liked this guy.

"She said to mention strings." Castle wanted to cut to the chase and skip to why she was on the plane back to New York.

"I told her that a marionette comes to life when its strings are attached, but cut the strings and the puppet becomes lifeless. My boss, the director who was in charge of hiring Kate liked her for the fact that she had no strings to tie her down. No kids or family. I could tell otherwise, so when she walked out of the office with me I told her my story," Fairfax sighed.

"I left my girlfriend for this job. It was the best job a cop could ever have offered to him. In doing so I didn't realize I left and lost the best thing that ever happened to me behind. While, I hurt her, I hurt myself ten times worse and Kate realized that sometime between that day and the next." Said Fairfax.

"Why do you say that?" asked Castle.

"She came in the next day and our director told her she got the job. Only Kate declined. Our director said that Kate told him the detective's reasoning was, _'sometimes it's the strings that bind us.' _Our director tried to persuade her but she, as you know was adamant, and hopped on a plane back to New York the next morning." Fairfax smiled because she had found her way back home.

Castle sighed. She had come back because of him. She had no idea she was pregnant. At least he was pretty damn sure she didn't.

"Forgive her and get off the phone with me. That woman loves you and by the way, what a catch! I hope she is better soon. Tell her I give her my best when she wakes up." Fairfax said.

"Yeah, okay." Castle was still at a loss of the conversation he had with this stranger, "Hey, wait."

"Yes?" Fairfax asked right before he was about to hang up.

"Thank you."

"No worries. I always had a secret desire to be a writer and never got around to writing a book. I figured maybe my marionette analogy would be good enough to make it into one of yours." Fairfax smiled and Castle chuckled.

"Yeah, let me see what I can't do about that."

"Goodbye and good luck Mr. Castle." Fairfax said and hung up. Castle looked to Kate's room and smiled sadly. He couldn't, not love her. The truth of the matter was he had never let her go and wouldn't ever be able to even if he tried. Especially now that he knew Kate felt the same. So, he walked back to her room, back home, Kate was home, together was home and it made his heart swell now that he knew for a fact she felt the same.

He knew it was dangerous giving his heart to Kate. It was risky, but if he didn't risk it – if _they_ didn't risk it then they would never know if it was worth it in the end. The risk is what makes a story and in the end of his own story he knew he wanted to be standing right at the beginning with Kate, strings and all.

* * *

When Castle walked into Kate's room Jim, Dr. Reynolds, and two nurses were there. He looked from them to an awake Kate and back.

"…and because of your progress, this evening we will be able to remove the ventilator Ms. Beckett. You will still have oxygen and your throat will be extremely dry and hoarse. We don't expect you to speak for very long or over much more than a whisper before growing tired. Though, you will be able to talk." Dr. Reynolds informed Kate.

Castle thought of what Jim said, _'Kate's doctor's wanted to inform her of the miscarriage when she was taken off the ventilator.' _Were they going to do that tonight? Would Jim tell him if they told Kate? He wanted to be in the room if they did tell her.

"Do you understand or have any questions Ms. Beckett?" asked Dr. Reynolds.

'_Understand, ques. 4 Castle. Alone Please.'_ Patricia looked at Kate's request and read it aloud as she looked at Castle and then the rest of the group.

"Of course," Said Dr. Reynolds, "Please page any one if you need anything." Reynolds said and he and his nurses left. Jim stayed a second and Kate looked at her father then began to write.

'_I will ttyl dad xoxo.'_ Then her eyes wandered and locked on to Castle's. Jim nodded and left.

Kate reached for the board and Castle gave it to her, _'strings that bind. have to tell you something tonight. promise you will be okay?'_

Rick nodded and took the board out of her hand and set it by her feet as he kissed her forehead and rubbed small circles on her hands. He wondered what she wanted to tell him once she was off the ventilator, but for now he was content knowing that his story had not yet ended. That just as endings were inevitable, so were beginnings. This relationship was not going to be an easy one, but when had it ever been?

...

yes it's short and was different so give me your input! Also, what exactly is Kate going to say to Castle?


	9. Wants, Needs, and Surprises

Needs, Wants, and Surprises

Kate coughed once more as the ventilator was removed. It hurt to cough. Dr. Reynolds and a couple nurses stood around a moment to monitor her, "Kate, your throat should feel very sore. That is normal. The good news is you will be allowed to drink and eat now. We won't be allowing you solid food, but our pudding isn't too bad." Dr. Reynolds smiled.

Kate smiled back mouthing, "Thank you." It hurt too much to speak and she had so much she wanted to say to Castle later. She needed to save it. Her eyes drifted to her father and Castle standing to the side of her room. Castle looked nervous and her dad was stoic waiting patiently so he could to speak with his daughter. Though, Jim said he didn't care, he too wondered why Kate was on that plane back to New York.

"Hi." Kate smiled tiredly addressing the two men and Castle released a breath he didn't know he had been holding back.

Jim walked quickly over to his daughter and took her hand in his, "Hey, Katie. It's good to hear your voice." Jim smiled as did Kate.

"Love you dad." Kate said and Jim patted her hand.

"I love you to Katie." Said Jim, the relief was evident in his voice at hearing his daughter speak.

Jim watched as his daughters eyes wandered to the other man in the room and settled on his eyes. Her chocolate orbs crashed into his ocean eyes with force and held as unsaid words drifted through the air.

Jim's eyes followed his daughters to the man she couldn't take her eyes from. He then took his eyes from Castle and glanced back to his daughter and knew he didn't exist in the room anymore.

"Katie, I'm glad you are doing better. I'm tired and in need of some dinner and coffee. I will see you later sweetheart. I love you." Jim leaned down and kissed his daughter on the forehead.

"Love you too Dad." Kate squeezed his hand and Jim left the room, but not before glancing at Castle before he left. Kate was his only child of course he was protective.

Castle walked over to Kate and Kate smiled up at him. Her eyes held so much pain and joy at the same time.

"Hi." Kate's voice was a raspy whisper.

"Hi." Castle smiled taking her in. She looked so fragile lying in the hospital bed wounded and bruised. He pulled the chair up next to her bed and sat absentmindedly taking her hand in his as he rubbed small circles on it.

Kate looked down to her hand in his and smiled sadly as she exhaled. With a single word that hand could have been wearing a ring right now. She shook the thought. She knew she had screwed up and she knew she'd asked for more than a second chance before. It was only recently she realized how selfish she had been and she was sorry, but she didn't even know how to articulate her apology. Too many apologies mean nothing but a never ending pattern of hurt to the person one is apologizing to. She had hurt him, but what to say?

"Castle?" she asked tiredly, her eyes hung on his.

"Hhmm?" Castle quietly wondered as he brushed a piece of her hair out of her face.

"Thank you. For being here, for being you." Words were lost on the muse that lay in the hospital bed.

"Always." Castle replied naturally.

"Castle, you promised…" Kate inhaled a bit out of breath and Castle reached to get her a cup of water which she sipped gratefully.

"I promise I won't get upset." Castle finished her sentence. Now wondering what Kate was going to say and giving her hand a squeeze of reassurance.

Kate closed her eyes drew in a breath and let it out shakily along with a light cough that burned her sore throat. She opened her eyes and stared into Castle's stormy blues, "I messed up. I shouldn't have left, but the fact is I did-"

"Kate." Castle interrupted her.

"No, Castle. Just listen. I left and interviewed for a potentially life altering job without telling you. I shouldn't have done that. Castle I'm very sorry and I don't know what else to say, but sorry Rick, because I am." Castle studied her eyes. The brave strong Kate everyone knew now lay fragile and glossy eyed before him. She drew in a deep breath and exhaled.

Castle's face was grave yet his eyes were as forlorn as Kate's. His heart urged him to kiss her lips and embrace her as he held onto her as long as possible. Though, he remembered how horrible he felt a few days ago, because of what she did. This wasn't going to be easy. He still held pent up animosity toward her for what she had done. Though, he inhaled and continued to listen.

"You hurt me Kate." Castle reiterated.

Silence.

"I did, but I can't change the past Castle. What do you want me to do?" Kate asked in a strained whisper as she became a bit bolder.

Castle sighed as he removed his hand from hers and sank into his chair. He ran his hand through his hair and collected his thoughts sitting tall in the chair he locked eyes with Kate, "I just…I wish you would stop running Kate," His voiced was strained like hers and he inhaled and exhaled, "but I know that is you Beckett and I realize I can't change that about you. When are you going to understand Kate?" Castle asked his eyes hanging onto hers as silence screamed, "I don't want to change you Kate. You said it was the strings that bind us. You don't get that I understand you are unusually hard to hold onto. I understand that more than anyone and I love you Kate, strings and all. So, yes you did hurt me and honestly I don't know what I want you to do Kate." Castle's voice was a solemn defeated whisper.

"You're upset." Kate pointed out and Castle sighed.

"Yes and I know I promised not to get upset, but..." Castle's words were lost on him, "I just don't know…"

"…you don't know what or where we stand anymore?" Castle heard the fear she was so desperately trying to hold back resonant in her tone.

He closed his eyes and sighed, "Yes."

Kate swallowed and licked her lips, "Castle, do you mean that… strings and all?" Kate's voice was becoming more strained.

He nodded.

"I do know one thing Castle." Kate said and Castle met her eyes, "We're better together, even in the worst of times, than we ever are apart." Kate caught his eye and the smile that it held. She smiled as well.

"I agree." Castle said with a smile on his face he took her hand back.

"Though, I don't want to be together Castle. I…I know you wanted more, but I've been doing some thinking as well and I decided that just wanting to be with someone is not enough." Kate said and Castle sunk deeper into his chair, his smile gone.

Kate looked to his hand and grabbed it before he could pull it away. She squeezed his hand as hard as she could, "I don't want to be together Castle because I_ need_ to be with you," Tears rolled down her cheeks leaving tracks, "I told you sometimes it's the strings that bind us. A marionette becomes lifeless if you sever the strings. I don't need a broken marionette. I_ need_ to feel alive. I need a kiss good night, a nine year old on a sugar rush who makes my job easier, and reminders that I'm not untouchable. _You Castle, I need you_." Kate looked pleadingly into his eyes.

Silence screamed and Kate broke it with a strained whisper,"Is that okay with you?"

Would he forgive her? Would he trust himself enough to love her as they loved one another before? For once she didn't expect him too automatically forgive her. She knew she was his exception, but she also knew she had hurt him more than once and Alexis most likely reminded her father of that fact. Though, he did say he wanted her strings and all. God love was confusing.

Castle sighed his eyes were brimming red with unshed tears and he looked away from Kate and then back into her eyes. He reminded himself once again how Beckett would never stop running. He remembered she had left him on his knee as she sat in her swing and rejected his proposal. The fact was she had put the job ahead of her heart and realized it. What would happen next? She said she needed him so why did she leave? Then again late revelations had always seemed to be a Katherine Beckett's way.

She stared at him with huge dark brown doe eyes as he collected his thoughts. In the meantime a storm raged on in his mind. His limbic system fired off memories too fast for him to control.

_Almost dying frozen each other's arms, kissing her before saving Ryan and Esposito - she initiated the second more frenzied kiss that night, telling her he loved her as she lay shot on the ground at Montgomery's funeral, L.A and how they came so close, pulling pigtails, coffee that was more than coffee, and the night she showed up at his door claiming she just wanted him. _

It had never been a flicker that had grown into a flame. It was as if it were the fourth of July everyday between the two of them.

Castle inhaled and finally exhaled her name, "Kate-"

* * *

Though, Castle and Kate looked to the door as Dr. Reynolds walked in with Patricia. The doctor and nurse noticed the couple holding hands and the tears welling in both their eyes.

"I'm sorry I would offer to come back at a later time Ms. Beckett, but I'm on a schedule and I would like to review your medical history with you," Dr. Reynolds said, "Mr. Castle we would like a moment alone with Ms. Beckett please," he glanced to Kate, "Unless Ms. Beckett you give us permission to allow him to stay."

Castle's eyes were wide. They were going to tell her now?! They still needed to finish their conversation. It was very rarely Kate ever let her walls down, but when she did they crumbled to pieces on the ground as she allowed her heart to fall into his hands.

A heart was never an easy fix, especially Kate Beckett's heart. How do you help mend another heart when your own is still healing?

Her hand in his Kate looked to Dr. Reynolds, "Yes, he can stay."

Castle only remembered hearing Kate's voice after Dr. Reynolds was finished rattling off her medical history, _"I had a miscarriage?"_ She looked to the doctor who confirmed it and then looked to Castle.

...

What now? How will Kate react? Honestly, what did you think of this chapter bc I'm not sure of their conversation...idk... Sorry about the update...life...I swear...please review and lmk if anyone is still interested.


	10. Unexpected Revelations

This one is short, but I'm sick, prepping for a trial, and the kids start school in two weeks. It's up lol.

Unexpected Revelations

_"I had a miscarriage?" asked Kate._

Castle looked back into her eyes, doe eyes that were now replaced with a facade of strength. She was fine, untouchable. To everyone else except the man who held her heart in his hand. She swallowed as she felt him squeeze her hand.

Kate looked from Castle to Dr. Reynolds again, "I didn't know I was pregnant. How far along was I?" Kate swallowed. As Castle expected her demeanor had done a 180 with this new information.

"You were approximately eight weeks Ms. Beckett. I'm sorry for your loss. If you need anything don't hesitate to press the red button." Dr. Reynolds said as he and Patricia turned to leave.

Kate nodded and looked to her hand in Castle's. She licked her lips and then met his eyes. Castle waited for her to speak yet she only stared at him a haunting silence hung heavy in the air.

Finally she uttered a distant whisper, "How?"

Castle knew this wasn't the time for smart ass jokes. He waited knowing she had more to say.

"How could I not have known?" Kate searched his eyes for comfort and answers that he could not give.

Castle moved closer to her and squeezed her hand tightly, "It's not your fault Kate." Castle's voice was soft and full of empathy.

"Of course it is," she argued her voice raised and extremely strained, "I should have known. I should have paid attention to details." Kate argued.

"You had no symptoms. You were in the small percent of women who bucked all traditional symptoms of pregnancy. It wasn't your fault." Castle reassured her again.

There was another long moment of silence as Kate looked at her hand in his and finally spoke in a barely audible whisper, "It's better this way," she couldn't look at Castle.

She knew he had wanted the option, but she had never wanted children, right? Did she? She never thought about it, I mean she had. What woman didn't? Though, kids with Castle, especially when he already had a daughter in college. No. No, she didn't have time for them anyway. She wasn't the domestic type. Though in four years God how she had changed. She wasn't the hard strict Beckett of 29 but the 33 year old Kate, she was malleable since her walls had come down. She had healed from her mother's murder and part of her secretly wondered what it would have been to like to carry on the Beckett gene especially since-

"Kate don't think like that." Castle softly interrupted her racing mind.

She sharply turned her dark orbs to Castle's dark blue eyes, "Rationally, when would we have time for a kid? What about my work? Besides it wouldn't have been fair to Alexis," Kate decided and then she looked away lowering her voice she looked back to Castle, "People shouldn't get married just because there is a child involved. That's what people would have thought." Kate brought up the inevitable. Castle was stunned that she did.

Castle sighed, "Okay, so that means if I had known you were pregnant and asked you to marry me you would've declined?" He knew he had most likely scared the shit out of her with that question.

"Are we really going to talk about this now?" she asked incredulously, "I never declined the first time. I just never gave you an answer." She corrected him tiredly. His eyes grew.

"What are you trying to say Kate?" Castle asked.

"I don't know right now Castle. That's not even the point. Look let's talk about this later" Kate said and Castle wondered if later would ever come.

Castle nodded, she had just had a lot of unexpected information given to her, "Kate, just know it's not your fault."

"Not now Castle, okay? I just…can I be alone for a while?" she asked.

Castle nodded and sighed as he released her hand and got up, "Sure, yeah. I will talk to you later, okay?"

She nodded and watched him leave the room. As he did she had a strong urge to call out his name to let him know she didn't mean it and that she wanted to feel her hand in his, wanted his comforting touch, but she kept silent and watched as he walked out of the automatic doors leaving her alone with her thoughts.

Castle walked outside Kate's room and leaned against the wall of her room closing his eyes he pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled. She was blaming herself and pulling away just like he knew she would. What did she mean it was better this way? Did she even want the child to begin with? Would she have got an abortion if she knew she was pregnant? No. Then again they had never talked about things like this. Did she even want children? Part of him said she didn't, but part, the part that knew Kate said she may secretly wonder what it would have been like to have a progeny and carry on her mother's legacy. She was an only child after all.

Castle ran his hand through his hair and drew in a breath. He knew she was lying. When Kate said she was fine, emotionally. It meant she was anything but fine.

* * *

Jim walked by Castle into Kate's room and she looked up at him. Her gaze was far away and distant. Jim knew immediately by Castle's and Kate's demeanor that they must have told her about the miscarriage.

"Hi Katie, are you feeling better now that the ventilator is out?" Jim asked.

Kate nodded as she whispered yes. Her voice and eyes were distant.

"Dad?" Kate didn't look at her father as she spoke and Jim knew what was coming.

"Yes?" Jim moved closer as to hear her. She was talking in a whisper.

"Did you know? Did the doctor tell you I had a miscarriage?" Kate looked at her father in anticipation and Jim shifted his weight from one leg to the other.

...

Let me know if it's still interesting and what you think of the chapter/Kate and Castle's reaction and Kate bringing up the inevitable 'I never said no. I just never answered you.' ...please and thanks ;0) Poor everyone...what a mess.


	11. Regaining Circulation

Okay, I got this one up quick. WOW. Everyone was a bit harsh on Beckett last chapter lol...geez she isn't that cold give a girl a break lol anyway...either you like it and want more or you don't so lmk. Also, I'm blown away people like this story this much...I had no idea anyone would be interested in it.

Regaining Circulation

"_Did you know? Did the doctor tell you I had a miscarriage?"_ asked Kate her voice strained, weak with nervous apprehension.

"Yes. I knew. I'm your medical proxy Kate. Dr. Reynolds updated me on your status as soon as I got here. You were in post op and couldn't speak. Your doctors decided it would be best to tell you when the ventilator was taken out so that you could carry on an actual conversation. That conversation did not need to take place on a dry erase board." Jim rationally explained and Kate slowly nodded in understanding. It was logical but it still made her feel a bit left out.

She looked up to her dad, "What about Castle?" Kate asked curiously.

"I didn't tell him," Jim said and Kate exhaled a breath, "He found out on his own."

Kate looked at Jim sharply, "How? You're saying he already knew?"

Jim nodded, "He came and found me in the hospital break room and told me he discovered it on your medical chart," Jim looked to the medical chart on the wall and then back to his daughter, "he asked if I had told you and if so why I hadn't. He wanted to know why I hadn't told anyone and well, he was distraught Kate. The man loves you and he was looking out for you. " Jim spoke the truth, "and anyone who thinks you don't love him back isn't the brightest crayon in the box." Jim said and Kate was silent as she stared at her father a while. Silence was so loud.

Her voice was a whisper when she spoke, "I know," she exhaled, "I know."

Jim could see the unshed tears in his daughter's eyes and knew that she needed space. "Katie, I'm sorry we didn't tell you, but it was for the best."

Kate nodded, "I understand, it's okay dad. I'm fine."

Jim nodded and walked over to give his daughter's hand a quick squeeze, "I'm going to go sit in the waiting room and book a hotel room. Plus, I need to call my work in the morning and let them know I will be taking some time off."

Kate nodded, but something inside her stopped her father.

"Dad?" her voice sounded like that of the little girl he remembered from a time long ago. Jim turned around knowing that voice all too well.

"Hhmm?"

"Is Castle okay? I mean-"

Jim interrupted his daughter, "Katie, would you like me to just go and get him?"

She took her bottom lip in her mouth and nodded quickly. Jim smiled, shook his head and walked out of the automatic doors to find Castle.

* * *

Kate drew in a deep breath as she watched her father walk out and let out a long shaky one. When she found out about the miscarriage she had been angry and confused. She wasn't angry at anyone in particular, mostly herself, but now she was somewhat upset at how she treated Castle. She needed to talk to him.

She needed him, but wonders crept in the longer she lay alone in the hospital bed. Did he need her? Especially after she declined his proposal? He said he loved her, but he also said he didn't know what they were anymore. Would he think that she would have wanted an abortion? He didn't know her stance on kids, hell she didn't know where she stood with having children. So much tragedy had happened in her young life she sometimes wondered if happy endings were even possible.

She knew one thing. She knew what she had and what she lost and she didn't want to ever lose it again. She didn't want to wake up in the stillness of the night only to remember what she once had. She wanted him right now. She needed his comforting familiar touch. Just him.

* * *

Castle was sitting on the floor outside of Kate's room. He looked silly, a grown man sitting on the floor his legs out before him. Though, once Jim became closer to his form he understood why no one had asked Castle to move. His head was down and his eyes looked a bit red. He wasn't crying and his face held no trace of any previous tears. Though, the disheveled man before him didn't need to say anything to know that he was in pain.

Jim stood over him, "Get up Castle, she needs you. Take care of her for me, okay?"

"Are those your words or hers?" asked Castle.

"Listen Rick, I know you two were fighting before all of this happened. I know she left to DC and that hurt you, but if you're smarter than you look, you already know whose words those are," Jim held his hand out to Castle, "I hope you're smarter than you look."

Castle inhaled took Jim's hand as he helped him up and then made his way to Beckett's room.

* * *

Kate looked up quickly when she heard the automatic doors open. She couldn't help but bite her bottom lip nervously as he approached. She didn't know why she was nervous, yet her stomach was flipping.

Castle walked over and took her hand in his. As if on cue, the moment her hand was in his, her eyes shut tightly and all of her unshed pent up tears started to quietly roll down her cheeks. Castle let her hold his hand tightly as she lay back in the bed and stare at the ceiling her eyes closed the whole time. He reached behind him and pulled up 'his' chair and sat down slowly next to her. He adjusted her bed so that she was now in the sitting position and she opened her eyes and stared at him. He stood and took her head in his hands and with both thumbs brushed the silent tears away that were rolling down her cheeks. She inhaled a shaky breath and let out an equally shaky one as Castle sat back down.

"Thank you." Kate whispered.

"Always." Castle said giving her a small smile which she returned. He then laid his head down next to her arm and drifted off while she ran her fingers through his hair.

They had a lot to talk about, a lot. Though, sometimes not talking is what is needed and tonight they just needed to know that the other was still emotionally available.

* * *

Night came and Jim had booked a hotel room. He couldn't find Castle so he assumed he was with Katie. When he walked into his daughter's room he happened upon Patricia who turned to him and quickly held her finger to her lips silencing him and then nodding to the bed.

She whispered, "I was making my rounds and I thought it best to let them sleep. They are out like dogs. I'm finished with Ms. Beckett."

"I wanted to tell her that I booked a hotel and will not be here tonight." Jim said as he looked from Castle and his daughter to Patricia.

"If you would like I can give her a message. I will leave it with the front desk. I think it's best not to wake them." Patricia said sweetly.

Jim looked to his daughter and Castle and back to Patricia, "I agree. I will go and give the front desk staff the hotels number just in case she needs me tonight."

"Mr. Beckett I don't think she will be spending the night alone." Patricia said as Jim was heading out, "Shall I tell Mr. Castle of your whereabouts as well?" asked Patricia.

"I'm leaving him the number to the hotel with the front desk staff." Jim said as he shared a smile with Patricia as he walked out of Kate's room.

* * *

Kate woke with a numb arm. She looked at the man who caused her lack of circulation and smiled. Castle. He looked like a little boy his hair disheveled both of his hands holding tight to her arm, which he used as a pillow. She inhaled and enjoyed just listening to him breathing, the sounds and smells of Castle comforted her in ways she herself would never understand. Though, it was an easy comfort to accept and not question. You didn't question exceptions, especially exceptional exceptions. Only accepted them and they you. Kate smiled and ran her fingers lightly through his hair. She tried to keep herself from waking him, but she couldn't help herself, the urge to run her hands through his disheveled hair was to strong.

Castle slowly woke with a grunt as he slowly realized where he was. He looked up to Kate his head still lay on her arm, hands still loosely holding it, "Hi."

"Good morning, um, Castle my arm. It's numb." Kate pointed out.

Castle looked down, "Oh, right." He released her arm and slowly rose into a sitting position.

Castle noticed Kate looked more rested than he had ever seen her in the hospital. He was pleased with that fact. She needed rest to get better.

"You look rested." Castle stated the obvious.

"Having the ventilator out helps." Kate informed him. _Having you here helps_.

There was an awkward silence that lasted longer than Castle could stand, "Is your arm awake?"

"It's only been a few minutes Castle it's still asleep." Kate stated flatly, yet amused by him.

"Oh, yeah, right." Castle nodded.

Now it was Beckett that couldn't stand the silence, "Castle why are we doing this?"

"Doing what?" asked Castle as he rubbed his eyes awakening himself to the inevitable morning.

"_This. I miss you Castle. I was on my way home for a reason. You were the reason. Now I'm…Castle is there still a reason to come home? You say there is but I'm still unsure." _That is what she wanted to say.

Instead she glanced to her medical chart on the wall and back to Castle, "Pretending we are going somewhere when neither one of us even knows where we stand."

"So, that's how you feel Kate?" asked a confused hurt Castle.

_No. How do you feel? Do you even want me anymore? After the way I hurt you? I don't want to waste anymore of your time. Do you need me like I need you?_

Her eyes hung on his lost and lonely. She didn't mean a word she said and he knew it. "Yes." She answered and he smiled and shook his head at her.

"Okay, fine. If that is where you want to make your stand Kate, lost and confused, then be my guest," Castle said and Kate chewed nervously on her bottom lip as Castle stood inhaling a deep breath, "but I know where I stand." Castle said as he let go of her hand and turned to walk toward the door, "I'll give you you're space."

"Castle," Kate sighed and closed her eyes, "Castle wait." He turned and looked at her, "Please?"

He sighed and walked back to sit down next to her. He couldn't leave her. Not when she pulled him down hard drowning him in love with the sound of her voice. It was the loudest thing in his head. He missed that. The way she could make him do things no other woman ever could and she didn't even realize it. He would do anything for her.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that." Kate said as she looked down at her arm that was starting to regain circulation.

Castle disregarded her apology, "Where do you stand Kate?"

Her eyes met his sharply and she drew in a deep breath, "I need you to know everything. Every reason I was on that plane before I tell you where I stand." Kate said in a quiet yet strong whisper, because she was still unsure where Castle stood.

"I'm all ears." Castle said as Beckett drew in a deep breath.

She nodded and released a shaky breath, "I went to the Arlington Cemetery the night I spoke with Fairfax," she said randomly as she stared at her arm, "I remembered when I was shot at Montgomery's funeral. I let myself remember it all, everything," she glanced up to meet Castle's eyes, "I was leaning against a tree and I realized no matter what I did you would always be with me. That annoying voice in the back of my head," she smiled, "I couldn't bring myself to live a life of solitude when I had grown use to a much different kind of life with you. A life I love." Kate admitted.

Castle nodded still wondering where she stood. Were they together or what exactly were they? She had left and worst of all without an explanation.

"I left too." Castle admitted and Kate turned her head slightly in question, "I went to the Hamptons. I couldn't stay at the loft. Anyway, your dad called me when you got in the crash."

"You drove straight here from the Hamptons?" asked Kate a bit surprised. He always kept her guessing.

Castle nodded and Kate smiled a small smile of gratitude back.

"So, my voice is annoying?" asked Castle directed the conversation back to why she had got on the plane.

Kate smiled and gave him a look, answering his question.

"But it must be annoyingly irresistible if you came back to hear it in person." Castle added with a smug smile.

Kate rolled her eyes, "Castle?"

"Hhmm?" he smiled. They weren't better, not by a long shot. Though, their relationship was starting to heal, even if it was with soft nonsensical talk. He had been unsure how to mend a broken heart when his was already broken, but he was trying his best. It was a ridiculous idea to think he ever could have moved on when his heart was still in love with Kate.

Kate looked down at her arm, suddenly her face turned serious and she flicked her eyes to his, "I would've kept it you know," she looked away from him exhaling a breath she didn't know she was holding, "I…I had an abortion when I was nineteen. It affects you even if…anyway. Just so you know." Kate looked at him the mood in the room had changed and the air hung heavy as Castle took her hand in his.

"Kate, I know you would've." Castle held her hand tightly ducked his head to catch her eye. She stared at him in silence as a single silent tear rolled down her face. Though, he had wondered if she would have got an abortion if she would have known she was pregnant and now he felt awful for even thinking such a thing, but he knew Beckett. She had done it before, though that was the Beckett of years ago, not the Kate that lay before him.

"Castle?" Kate's voice was soft, softer than Castle had anticipated.

"Hhmm?" Castle wondered.

"I remember the crash. I remember what happened. Why the right side of my body took most of the trauma." Kate inhaled and exhaled a long breath as she shut her eyes, "I knew it was better this way."

Castle turned his head in question at that comment. How dare she say that again, he knew it was her way of rationalizing to herself that everything was fine, but she wasn't.

"Kate, it's okay to not be okay." Castle said.

She flicked her eyes to him, "I'm fine."

"No, no Kate you aren't." Castle stated adamantly.

"Castle don't tell me what I am and what I'm not. It's my life and my body I know how I feel." Kate all but spat defensively as to protect herself from feeling too much emotion right now, emotion she knew he could easily emit from her.

Silence hung heavy in the air as Kate thought of her mother and what it would have been like to be one, both when she was 19 and today. What would her mother have thought of her choices? Would she have got the abortion if her mother was still alive? She had died the year she got it. What did Castle think of her now? Did he see her differently? She missed him. They were talking, but they were bantering the whole time. Though, didn't they always do that?

"What happened Kate?" asked Castle drawing Kate out of her racing thoughts.

"A life for a life," Kate looked down, "I saved a little boy around six. He was in the seat behind me. He somehow ended up to my left and I shielded him from an object with the right side of my body," she suddenly looked distant, "I wonder what happened to his mother." she exhaled in deep thought thinking of her own mother and what ifs.

"Kate it wasn't your fault." Castle reminded her again.

"Castle please. Just…" she looked away ashamed of the gloss that had started to form in her eyes. She didn't realize this would affect her like this and it pissed her off. She wasn't supposed to have old feelings resurface only to taunt and haunt her memories.

Castle touched her face as she stared off into nowhere he pulled her from her racing thoughts. She slowly turned her head to meet his eyes and before he knew what was happening she was kissing him back as her tears mixed with his. She wasn't okay and he wasn't okay, but she had learned that it was okay to need and right now she only needed one person and by the way their worlds were colliding he had needed her for quite a while now as well.

Kate hadn't noticed yet, but the blood was fully circulating in her arm again, but she would notice with time. Everything happens eventually, all in time, it just takes a little patience and maybe some tear stained kisses too.

...

They still aren't getting along peachy keen and I know you either thought this was way too fluffy or just right ...I personally think it's a bit fluffy, but sometimes one just needs the other. Let me know what you think. More Kate and Castle talk to come. Everything in time...review me please?


	12. Update

Just letting everyone know

I just wanted to reassure everyone I have not given up on this story! It is one of my favorite stories out of the two stories I'm writing right now and I just have an insane week all next week.

Anyway, I WILL continue with this story just not this week. I have about 6 Castle one shots that are complete if anyone would like to read those in the meantime. This week my case load is crazy – next week I will hopefully be able to update.

Meg


	13. Merged

A/N Thank you Cyrmu64 for all of the many kind reviews and pm's you really have helped motivate me to finish Secrets Revealed and post this last chapter asap. Also, kids, be kind to one another...remind me that there is some humanity left.

Merged

She broke their kiss slowly only because she needed to catch her breath. A huge 'Kate' smile lit up her tear stained face as Castle kissed her forehead and smoothed her hair back. They both stared at one another for a moment silence finally quieting their racing minds if only for a moment and she reached for his hand which he gave her and squeezed reassuringly.

Kate wanted this no she needed him. Reconnecting with him is the whole reason she returned. She had him call Fairfax to find this out; he knew this is why she returned. Yet, she was still scared to go there, to return to the moment on the swings. Why? Why did she think he was still so upset with her after a kiss like that?

Her hand still in his she spoke, "Someone should check on my dad. He has been in the waiting room all night."

Castle inhaled and let out a defeated frustrated breath. Only moments ago he was on cloud nine and now she was pulling back again. God Kate, why? Why do you do this? Though, he had kissed her before and never spoke of it. He went along with it before, but this time. However, a small voice in the back of his head said maybe she needed space because of the miscarriage. So, he nodded in understanding, kissed her forehead and stood heading toward the automatic doors.

Kate watched with glossy eyes as Castle walked toward the exit of her room. Her mind raced with a million different possibilities, possibilities that were beginning to turn into missed chances and her breath hitched, "Rick?" her voice was loud and raspy. Castle stopped and turned to her. "I love you." Tears silently streamed down her face, "I never stopped." She exhaled a deep breath finally surrendering. Her heart felt wonderful. A weight lifted.

Castle smiled at her with glossy eyes. Kate's heart raced as she awaited his answer. She looked so scared and fragile thought Castle more so than he had ever seen her except maybe the night she showed up at his door on Alexis' graduation night.

"I know. I know you Kate, but we've changed. You've changed and in less than a week Kate." Castle said still standing in the same spot. Kate's eyes were frantic now petrified of what he was going to say.

"Castle-

"No, Kate just wait." Castle said as he walked over to where her medical chart was on the wall. She was trying hard to hold every tear in. Stop all her tears in general. She watched as he did something with the chart and slowly walked over to her. He drew in a deep breath and exhaled a shaky one as he sat down in 'his' chair beside her bed.

She swallowed and inhaled trying to stay strong. She wasn't expecting this, not now at least.

"You're more open to possibilities, to me. I don't know if it will last or if it is just because of recent events, but I don't care. Kate, we've been out of touch before and we always come back to each other stronger than before. Like you said we are better in our worst of times together than we are or ever will be apart." Castle held a string up to her, "So, I'm going to ask you again Kate Houghton Beckett, will you marry me, strings and all?" Castle was now down on one knee.

Kate looked up at him in with only dry tracks remaining where tears once fell. She was silent a moment even though she had to have known this would eventually come up again, but so soon? _Yes._

"I'm scared." Kate admitted a barley there whisper never taking her eyes from his.

"Me too, but it's more scary when we're apart. Don't you agree?" Castle reminded her and she nodded a tiny nod as she took her bottom lip in her mouth nervously.

She was silent her mind racing. What would Alexis think? They weren't the closest and she had been the only woman in her father's life forever. How would they work together? Could they work togeth-"

"Say something Kate." Castle was still on one knee.

She looked down to the string for a second and glanced back into his eyes, "I don't know how it will work Castle with my work and I don't know what Alexis will think. Castle, I kept more secrets than anyone should keep and I hurt you. I shouldn't have done that." She fingered the string in his hand and smiled a small smile, "I...I just don't know how this will work." She exhaled a small laugh, "but we'll figure it out we always do. So, yes, yeah I will."

Castle was still kneeling on the hospital floor at her unexpected longest answer in the world.

"Castle get up." Beckett said bringing him back to reality and Castle did as he was told. Finally, he broke out of his trance and took the string that once connected the pen to her medical chart and tied it around her wrist.

"I don't have your ring on me." Castle admitted, "It would have been too much to take it to the Hamptons with me."

Kate smiled, "Well we always have done everything a bit unorthodox."

"I know." Castle made a miffed face, "usually the man finds the woman attractive first. Though, you couldn't stay away from me." Castle teased her.

Kate gave him a look and shook her head at him, "Shut up and kiss me Castle."

"Are you sure this isn't a dream?" Castle teased her again.

"Cas-." Beckett started to remind him of her previous demand only he silenced her with his lips.

Castle snaked his hand gently around to the back of her head and brought her closer as she tried and succeeded in wrapping her right arm around his neck pulling him down to her. Castle smiled surprised at her strength and braced his left hand on the bed. She moaned into his mouth and neither realized how carried away they were getting or that Jim and Patricia had walked into the room. Patricia smiled as did Jim. The two pulled apart a moment only to kiss each other lightly again on the lips each bearing a huge smile. He brought both of his hands up to her face and cupped it in his.

She shed no tears, it was Kate after all. Instead her eyes held a spark that no one but he knew. A spark only he could emit from her. Weather frustrated, angry, need, want, hidden truths or happiness. Castle knew every look she held, and he loved that he did. He loved that he was the man that could make her_ feel_ and tap into her guarded emotions like no other, better yet he knew she loved it just as much.

Jim cleared his throat and both quickly noticed the two. Though, Castle still ran his hands through her hair softly a moment before he stopped and took her hand instead. She had said yes. He still didn't grasp that she had, but honestly he really didn't care right now.

"So, I take it you are coming back to the 12th?" asked Jim.

Kate looked at Castle and then looked to her dad, "If they'll have me."

Castle glanced at her, "Family can be tough, but I think even Gates will want you back."

Kate smiled, "Why do you say that?"

Jim quickly answered after glancing at Castle, "I think you will be fine Katie. You've made a lot of ties at the 12th over the years. It's hard to let them go."

Kate smiled and nodded and Patricia and Jim left the room giving Castle and Kate their space.

* * *

Castle shrugged, "Strings that bind Kate, strings that bind." He smiled and touched the string he had tied around her wrist not long ago. Kate rolled her eyes at him and laughed lightly. Yes, this was how it was supposed to be even though they had suffered loss and been through hell. This is what happily ever after felt like, right?

She dismissed the thought and smiled to herself letting the many still racing thoughts quiet themselves as she concentrated on just one noise; silence. Silence loud enough to hear the heartbeat which drove her mad in the stillness of the night. A heartbeat, which she had learned the hard way was half of a whole when she left New York for D.C. She inhaled in realization. She had literally carried half his heart in her once, two hearts merged unknowingly creating one. She hadn't thought about the miscarriage in so much depth yet.

"Castle?"

He looked up at her.

"I know where you stand and you know where I stand, but neither one of us knows where…" she looked down.

"Are you wondering if I want more kids?" Castle asked and Kate looked up at him sharply and nodded slightly. "I'm pretty sure my stance is the same as yours on that." Castle smiled as did Kate. It was okay with him if she didn't and it was okay if she did. As long as they were going to talk about it - finally.

Yes, everyone was on the same page maybe this was what happily ever after was like. She didn't know, though she did know she needed him and he needed her and that was okay. Needing the other half of your heart didn't mean you were weak or vulnerable. It meant you were strong, strong enough to admit to love yourself enough to let the walls down for another. Strong enough to bind each other to one another and accept the other before or when no one else would. It meant you believed in one another. Whatever it meant, it meant one thing was for sure, no matter what happened they would always be bound together.

For no matter how far the distance there are some strings we make in life that we will never be rid of, we are bound to them for a lifetime. Those are the same strings that hold our hearts, the strings that will be tied to us, always.

...

I do believe this is it. I suppose you can think what you want as to what Kate and Rick both decided on kids or not. Let me know what you thought ;) I loved this and left it so I could do a sequel that will prob be short. However, I really want to concentrate on Secrets Revealed now. Thanks Meg.


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